Ladies and Gents, Shannon's thoughts have moved. 

That's right, I will no longer be posting here.

Instead, I have obtained an alternate xanga.  I hate that so many people can simply access this journal, and I've decided to remedy it as I'm tired of complaining about it.

Feel free to leave me a comment or email me or IM me and I'll give you the new site. But only do that if you care about reading my thoughts.  I won't restrict it from you, just ask and i'll probably give you the site. But I want to know who's reading.

However, I have to ask that you do not give it out to others, or link your xanga to it.  I would like to know who is reading it.  It's something i'd like to think I have somewhat of a right to know. 

Sorry, i'm just tired of how this has been effecting me. 

Here goes the last show. 

Kinda bittersweet.

What's more bittersweet is taking down my gorgeous set....

Don't make me do it!

Yay!

I did my English, my APB, and my humanities! I have a little tech theatre left, which I may try and do tomorrow morning or evening. But i feel better and less overwhelmed. My humanities paper is awful, but I figure i'll talk to Hubbard, I need help with my topic, it's not going well. 

The play was fine, not as bad as friday, not as good as thursday.

MANY MANY things could've gone badly and they didn't too much. But I did not feel good starting into this play tonight. 

The set will be gone in approximately 14 hours.  GAH.  Between this and dancing, striking sets just rips out my heart. Ritter and I spent SO MUCH TIME on it. for five nights. Five good nights, but only five. 

The night was... amazing.

My back hurt really bad all night, I ended up taking the meds. I hate it when I have to take them, it makes me so disoriented. 

The swarm met at my house briefly, and we have something in the works. And Lisa, you still have a certain item of mine. I'd like that back at some point, lol. 

We're eventually going to get it bad for the dumb little stuff that we do. Hehe.

The night ended up lovely, sitting on the couch with Kevin watching Jay and Silent Bob strike back.  Made my week.

My meds started kicking in while I was sitting there, I had trouble staying awake and I didn't feel too good. But, I suppose its all good, as there was no place I would've rather been.

I'm still not feeling too well, so i'm going to go to bed.

The night was amazing.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about tonight.

Hmmm.

I didn't get crap done today.  I fixed the problems with cadeting, I called up to school and felt responsible. And I read 70 pages of tech theatre. But i'm not done, I havne't even started on sound, which is on the test monday, and this was all for lighting, not for making up stuff.  I don't think i'll finish.

I'm feeling so effing overwhelmed at the moment. 

So much schoolwork, and I (sadly) know I won't be motivated because tomorrow all I really want to do is go to lunch with Zev and then hang out at the park or something with Kevin, which I KNOW I can't do because I have so much work.  I have to teach myself math as well. In addition to all the research for humanities and the first portion of the paper, finishing tech theatre, APB, reading the last of heart of darkness, and a lesson for musical theatre.

I keep listing off what I have to do, and I have no motivation to do it.  At least with tech theatre I feel like i'm learning something I'll use. 

I love reading journals. Even of people I barely know. It's a glimpse into someone's life.  It really makes you realize that people are human, that we all have self esteem problems, family problems, friend problems, someones mean to someone, someone likes someone, someone is upset, someone is happy. I read the most random ones.

The play went fine. Nothing fantastic. A couple missed cues, no big deal, Sathya handled it and all was well.  The energy wasn't amazing- hence the problem.  It was good energy, it'd be great if it was any other show, but it was somewhat lackluster compared to last night.

I'm so worried about the personal aspect of tomorrow night, I want to throw up just thinking about it.  Just too many people there. Julia, help...

Jennie got into Stephans and got an amazing scholarship. I'm so happy for her. She'll have an amazing time, and I'm so glad it worked out.  I wish it felt that simple for me.  I want Wash U so badly, yet the feeling of impending doom is looming over me.  Not that Truman is doom, it isn't. It just feels picked out for me. Like a little girl whose mom picks out a pretty little dress when she wants to wear different colored socks, overalls, a hot pink shirt and sunglasses.  What a metaphor.  Oh and pig tails. I love pigtails. My parents hate them and believe they're unbecoming. They make me feel like a kid, and I love them.

I really love pictures. I've started checking Ashley's deviant art all of the time because I love seeing the gorgeous photos she does. She's so talented, and I absolutely am in love with a few. Like the one of Maggie and Devin. It just makes me happy to look at. And the new ones of Maggie downtown make her look so gorgeous. 

After the show was... awful. 

Everyone was going to Jaclyn's.  That's cool. But once again, that feeling came over me.  Like it was better to feel excluded by myself than it does by the group.  I just didn't feel like trying to be funny, trying to compete for attention, having to be interesting and funny in order for people to acknowledge my existence.  That feeling just happens everytime more than 7-8 drama kids get together.   So, originally it was just gonna be me and julia and sathya and wiese.  Then it expanded to those four plus jennie and mel.  I was cool with that. Then we added zev. along with zev came allison. And katy. and emilie. and avery. and derek. and jeremy. And pretty soon it sucked.  I love all those kids. But as julia put it, "it felt like old times".  Which she loved. Which I did not. In old times, I wasn't comfortable saying anything in a discussion because it was never funny enough, never witty enough. I was never a part of the group.  I sat there, unhappy, with an empty smile on my face, as the funny kids played off of each other. 

I hate that.

Zev was amazing though.  We snuck upstairs and talked and it felt so good to talk with her, she always feels like my big sister.  I can't wait for tomorrow to talk with her again. 

Finally it felt better when it was just a few of us, until it got down to me, Kevin, and Mel.  Which was nice, as it always is.  Cuz we always get weird round about 12.  I love it.

It made me so sad that while I love all those kids, I couldn't spend time with them togehter anymore. It's really upsetting that I just don't have any desire to hang out with the group.  Because these kids are so much a part of my life, and I love spending time with them all, I just don't want to see them all together.

I hope no feelings were hurt this evening.  As it was not my intention. My intentions have already been stated here, this was purely selfish. And it backfired on me.  So i'm sorry if anyone was hurt.

Maggie just put up this hella long post about drama in the drama dept. And i completely agree with it. And I hate that I feel responsible for the posting of it. And I feel guilty as well. Damn. Sometimes I hate myself. 

I love sixteen candles. Everything turns out perfect no matter how improbable it may seem. And nothing is as romantic as the candles on the cake at the end. I never take into account that they'll be sitting in the dark as soon as she blows out the candles. It doesn't matter.  Its a great end to a movie. I watch the entire thing just for the last scene of the movie. It's like Dirty Dancing.

I'm such a girl tonight. Ergh.

Currently Watching Sixteen Candles By Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall see related